Stop Describing and Start Feeling
During my fall leave, I had the opportunity to take part in a week-long couples therapy training course hosted by the Gottman Institute. Dr. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman have spent decades studying couples, producing some of the most scientifically robust research into relationships in the world. What sets their work apart is its longitudinal nature — they have followed couples across their lifetimes, which has allowed them to answer with confidence the question most of us quietly wonder about: what actually makes a relationship last, and what erodes it? In summary, when the Gottmans offer insight into healthy relationships, it is worth paying close attention.
Perhaps the most sobering statistic from the week was this: 96% of conversations that start harshly end harshly. How we begin a difficult conversation is not a preamble — it significantly impacts the outcome. The Gottmans have developed an antidote to this, the Softened Start-Up, and it begins with the shift Julie Gottman describes as: stepping out of criticism, out of describing your partner, and into something more vulnerable and more connecting — emotionally experiencing the moment together.
The Trap We Fall Into
In the middle of a heated conversation, it is very hard to be present. We are busy composing our reply, rehearsing our next point, scanning our memory for the example that will finally prove our case. This often comes across to our partner as defensiveness. Or, we swing the other way — so desperate to relieve our partner's pain that we leap straight to solutions: offering advice, suggesting a different course of action, or identifying the character flaw they could work on to avoid the problem entirely. This often comes across as criticism.
Both impulses come from a caring place. But both pull us out of the moment and away from our partner's actual experience. Pointing out a character flaw, in particular, feels like a solution in the moment — like naming what is real."You always do this." "You never listen."The problem is that your partner does not hear a solution. They hear a verdict. And the moment someone feels categorized, they stop listening to what you need and start defending who they are.
What is crucial yet very hard to accept is that we can’t immediately put a stop to our partner's discomfort. Instead, the most effective way to support our partner is by showing up as a regulated, caring person ready to listen. But as we all know, this is much easier said than done.
Julie Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute, puts it plainly. The hardest thing to do in conflict is not to find the perfect words. It is to stop describing your partner altogether — to step out of analysis, advice giving or problem solving and into something more vulnerable, more honest, and ultimately more connecting: being there emotionally for each other.
The Softened Start-Up is the Gottmans' answer to this trap. It asks us to set down the case we are building and do something harder: stay in the room, emotionally.
What a Softened Start-Up Actually Requires
The foundation of a Softened Start-Up is emotional regulation — your own. The Gottmans identified criticism and defensiveness as two of the most damaging forces in a relationship, and both tend to escalate when our nervous systems are flooded. Research on physiological arousal suggests it takes at least 20 minutes for the body to fully calm down once it reaches that state. But even a brief pause can interrupt the cycle before it begins.
Try This: The Pause
When you feel your chest tighten or your thoughts start racing, try saying:"I want to hear you properly. Can I have just a moment? "Then breathe slowly — four counts in, six counts out. You are not avoiding the conversation. You are creating the conditions where it can actually happen.
Alongside regulation, it helps to develop awareness of your own internal signals. That is why, when in therapy, my clients will often hear me ask:
‘When you are in conflict with your partner, what does it feel like in your body?’ Or, ‘Do you notice when you shift from listening to defending? Where do you feel it — in your chest, your jaw, your hands?’
Getting familiar with your own physiological cues is one of the most practical things you can do to interrupt escalation. In this regard, awareness is power because with awareness, you can ask for some time to breathe and calm yourself.
Once you are regulated, the Softened Start-Up has a clear shape. Rather than opening with a criticism or a solution, you open with three things: a summary of the situation as you understand it (not a description of your partner's character), an"I" statement that owns your emotional experience (for example when you forgot to unload the dishwasher I felt taken for granted), and a positive need— what you are hoping for (could you please let me know you appreciate my efforts to keep the kitchen clean), rather than what you want your partner to stop doing.
Listening, Then Landing
The other half of the softened start-up is what happens when you are the one receiving the conversation — and this is where Softened Start-up becomes most pointed.
Even when we are genuinely trying to listen, many of us remain in an analytical mode: categorizing what our partner says, measuring it against our own experience, and preparing a thoughtful response. Instead, try gathering more information by asking a genuine question."What did you need from me in that moment that you didn't get?" These questions give your partner the experience of being sought after rather than put on trial, and they anchor you in curiosity rather than defence. When couples work with me, they will get used to my role modelling this in therapy. When a client is upset with their partner, for example, I will ask them to share with their partner what they would have needed in that moment. Additionally, when, as the therapist, I am listening to a client's needs, I am quick to point out if I hear criticism. I remind clients to describe their own needs, not the actions of their partner.
Another key element is that before sharing your own perspective, try reflecting on what you have heard — in your own words, without editorializing."It sounds like when I came home late without calling, you felt like you weren't a priority. Is that right?" This is not about agreeing. It is about demonstrating that you have actually received what was said. Couples who do this consistently find that much of what they were bracing to argue about dissolves — because the argument was never really about the facts, but about whether each person felt heard. Again, I will role model this by working with the listening partner to summarize what they have heard and encourage them to ask open-ended questions on a point they don’t understand.
Emotionally experiencing the moment — what Julie Gottman points to — means going one step further still: letting your partner's reality actually land. Not just processing it, but being moved by it. When your partner senses that their words are registering not just intellectually but emotionally, something tends to shift. The conversation stops being a competition and becomes two people genuinely trying to reach each other.
This Is Not About Being the "Better" Partner
The softened start-up is hard, and it can feel unfair. It is worth saying clearly: this is not an invitation to carry more than your share.
The couples who do this well are not the ones where one partner is always the calm, wise one. They are the ones who have both learned, gradually and imperfectly, to trust that showing up without armour is worth the risk.
If you and your partner would like to work on the Softened Start-Up together, please feel free to reach out. We can start with a free 15-minute phone call to see whether we would be a good fit and take it from there.
